Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
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Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”