Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
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Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low