BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
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Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
