BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
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Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Mornin
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.