Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

I’ve had worse

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day