BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
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Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve