Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.