Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.