Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

😂

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.