BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
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Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I didn’t come here to be called names
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.