Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

For the baby who has everything

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!

can of beans: never!

(whirring noises)

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.