BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
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[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Strange
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.