Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

😂

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit