Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”

“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

Quadruple digit IQ

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

LOL

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?