BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
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[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.