BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
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I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
crazy
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.