BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
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@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
what could possibly go wrong?
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.