Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

I gave up going to work for lent.

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

A woman drives into a bar.

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up