Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*