Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me:

Teen: [returns to bedroom]

Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

She: I like Cats
He:

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

Customize Your Wedding.

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

Me: *hits snooze on alarm

Life: *sets off smoke detector