Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

they really wanted me dead for this

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

new wife guy just dropped

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.