[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
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Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.