@TheMichaelRock

Breaking News: Radio Shack is closing 1,100 stores nationwide.

Even Breakier News: I can’t believe there’s 1,100 Radio Shack’s.

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@girl_a_whirl

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

@sixfootcandy

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

@killazilla

HR- do you know why we called you down here today?
Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride?
HR…
Me- a house landed on your sister

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

@jonnysun

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

@2questionable

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

@SardonicTart

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

@welfarehoe

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

@Gorilla_Turd

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

@DrakeGatsby

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone