I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
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According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
never compromise your values
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.