@TheMichaelRock

Breaking News: Radio Shack is closing 1,100 stores nationwide.

Even Breakier News: I can’t believe there’s 1,100 Radio Shack’s.

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@usermcuserface

10 years later if Romeo and Juliet had lived:
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Sigh….trying to watch the game here Julie.

@2sassymom

Me: Whatcha doin?
7: a stupid math paper
Me: why stupid?
7: Sally has 3,000 pennies; really Sally? Get a debit card!

@burrowed_deep

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

@dlicj

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

@spaghetti_lips

Being an adult just means you don’t get rewarded anymore when you eat all your food. My nephew ate two chicken fingers and got rewarded with ice cream. I ate 5 and my mom said “I thought you were on a diet?”

@JoParkerBear

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

@reTICKulous

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

@kimtopher22

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

@Home_Halfway

ME: 50 Cent has to clone himself to be able to go to the Dollar Store.
DATE: Do you ever listen to yourself

@HatfieldAnne

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN