@TheMichaelRock

Breaking News: Radio Shack is closing 1,100 stores nationwide.

Even Breakier News: I can’t believe there’s 1,100 Radio Shack’s.

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@RdrJay47

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

@markydoodoo

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

@JohnLyonTweets

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, aβ€”
-I was asking the boy, sir.

@junejuly12

My therapist told me to take more risks so I parted my hair on the other side this morning.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

@kimtopher22

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

@GriffonTaylonYo

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

@ramenfuneral

if i were a white vegan satanist i would constantly say stuff like “kale satan” and “i love the dark gourd” and nobody would stop me

@literallysofie

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

@maisondecris

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good