@girl_a_whirl Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
@TheMichaelRock Breaking News: Radio Shack is closing 1,100 stores nationwide.
Even Breakier News: I can’t believe there’s 1,100 Radio Shack’s.
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@girl_a_whirl 
@sixfootcandy Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
@killazilla HR- do you know why we called you down here today?
Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride?
HR…
Me- a house landed on your sister
@Home_Halfway WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
@jonnysun i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
@2questionable My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
@SardonicTart Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
@welfarehoe STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
@Gorilla_Turd I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
@DrakeGatsby Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone