@Ivsy01: (On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

@FuckabillyRex: I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that's not a professional wrestler.

@PaperWash: "are you sure these x-rays are safe?" [doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you're fine

@trayofcheese: I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

@CaptPinkbeard: Woman: I love a man with an accent Mán: Well hello there