BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
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People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.