@aeroyonghusband

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

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@TheHyyyype

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

@briangaar

Son, let me tell you the story of the Three Bears. A girl broke into their house and they ate her. Stay out of my stuff, goodnight

@FilthyRichmond

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

@chuuew

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

@lisaxy424

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

@radtoria

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

@kwirkyKerri

“I really regret not taking up bow hunting” I think as my neighbor fires up his chainsaw at first light.

@Xalqee

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

@Gooooats

My daughter can just cut and paste into google translate to do her French homework, and she learns nothing. When I was her age I had to learn nothing the hard way.