BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

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bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!


Son, let me tell you the story of the Three Bears. A girl broke into their house and they ate her. Stay out of my stuff, goodnight


I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”


SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay


My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.


My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.


“I really regret not taking up bow hunting” I think as my neighbor fires up his chainsaw at first light.


If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?


My daughter can just cut and paste into google translate to do her French homework, and she learns nothing. When I was her age I had to learn nothing the hard way.