BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
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99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
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Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.