Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*