Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

#polloftheday

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

Breaking news:

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed