Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

I hate everything