Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
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Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.