Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂😂😂

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.