BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
You Might Also Like
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k