Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

every olympics i turn into this guy

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her