Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
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“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?