Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: so you’re a handyman?

Me: no I just do odd jobs

Date: like what

Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

Good morning

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

Breaking news:

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.