Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
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packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
.. do you even science?
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.