Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
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best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.