BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
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I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam