Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?