Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

incredible book dedication

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.