Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

So the ex texted me

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…

Satan: *nodding*

Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?

Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??

Me: (through tears) so creative

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

😲 WTF? 😆

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one