BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
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Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.