Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…