BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
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until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face