BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
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Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
m’lady
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️