BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
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No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time