Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

Choosing the correct font is crucial…

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

This is a bad sign

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma