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GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
they finally got him. they got macavity
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.