Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

[watching The Notebook]

Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year

Me: I bet each one just said, Hey

Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.