Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.