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Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

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I cried during that sad part of Titanic, when Rose threw that beautiful diamond in the ocean.


Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash


Me: I promise to cooperate in a peaceful transition of power.

Her: Just give me the phone charger already.


Parents: “Why don’t you come socialize with the family?” Me: *sits with family* *gets insulted by entire family* *goes back to bedroom*


God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus


“Are you asleep?” He risks his life by asking me.


Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!


You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.