@UncleDuke1969
@DaddyJew
*whispers “we should run away together” while petting the neighbor’s dog*
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@DaddyJew
@1followernodad
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
@ClassicMegan
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
@stevemarriott
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
@DadisGrumpy
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
@FinallyHeSleeps
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
@omgthatspunny
A lawyer-turned-cook is a sue chef.
@WilliamRodgers
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
@ranndrew
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
@UnFitz
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.