@UncleDuke1969

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

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@RowanElHossary

I cried during that sad part of Titanic, when Rose threw that beautiful diamond in the ocean.

@iscoff

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

@UnFitz

Me: I promise to cooperate in a peaceful transition of power.

Her: Just give me the phone charger already.

@FunnyJokeBook

Parents: “Why don’t you come socialize with the family?” Me: *sits with family* *gets insulted by entire family* *goes back to bedroom*

@erinosgood_

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

@knew_nic

“Are you asleep?” He risks his life by asking me.

@NathanFillion

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

@jakob_huber

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.