Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
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There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
What an awful time to have common sense.