@UncleDuke1969
@MadelnCanada You know you’re Canadian when you’re excited for 8 degree weather.
You Might Also Like
@MadelnCanada 
@SwirlySkittles Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
@41Strange German cartoonist Martin Perscheid
@mommywhitfield I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
@TheAlexNevil Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
@_NTFG_ Sometimes when I say “I’m OK”, what I really want is for someone to give me a hug, say “You’re not OK” and hand me $10,000.
@CornOnTheGoblin [my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor’s note if you’re gonna be late
@WilliamAder If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
@becks_bradley Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
@tree_bro “Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed”, reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.