@UncleDuke1969

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

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@DaddyJew

*whispers “we should run away together” while petting the neighbor’s dog*

@ClassicMegan

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

@stevemarriott

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

@DadisGrumpy

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

@FinallyHeSleeps

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

@WilliamRodgers

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

@ranndrew

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

@UnFitz

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.