You know you’re Canadian when you’re excited for 8 degree weather.
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
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Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
German cartoonist Martin Perscheid
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Sometimes when I say “I’m OK”, what I really want is for someone to give me a hug, say “You’re not OK” and hand me $10,000.
[my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor’s note if you’re gonna be late
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
“Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed”, reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.