Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

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*whispers “we should run away together” while petting the neighbor’s dog*


Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.


[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?


Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.


The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.


“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!


“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.


Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.