Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

Hoping to spice up my evening

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

i will not be silenced

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator