Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

A dad and his duck

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

Everything reminds me of my ex

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

Get in loser we’re going crying

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

an octopus is just a wet spider

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here