Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

💁🏻‍♂️

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

Stop correcting my vodkabulary

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

It’s called a ceasar salad because you stab it a bunch of times when you eat it

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??