Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message

Story time

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack

Well there goes my Wednesday night.