Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

*with the intention of bragging

I just won $7 and a free play on my lottery tickets. Only cost me $36 to achieve this

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I

Aaaa…CHOO!

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.