Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

Vodka burrito was a success

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.