Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

Skills

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

I love you to the refrigerator and back

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.