Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it