BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
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If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
well this is just bullshirt
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.