BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
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Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant