BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
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Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane