Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

Amazon: Your order has been ship—

Me: *Track Package*

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

I wish I could veto my bills.

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

This could’ve been an email.

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner