Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me