Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….

[SyFy pitch meeting]

Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl