Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.