Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No point crayon over spilled milk.

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

ew if literal: let me be clear

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.