Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.