BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
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It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Whoops
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.