Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.