Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.