Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.