Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing