BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
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me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments