Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]

My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.

6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

Cause of death: Zumba

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.