Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
You Might Also Like
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”