BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
hmmmmmm
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.